1
00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:05,088
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

2
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,935
Oh, for God's sake,
just use a toothpick.

3
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:22,564
Done.
Sesame seed dislodged.

4
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:26,693
Oh, put it back
and I divorce you.

5
00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:30,697
I divorce you.

6
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,367
You won.

7
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,494
Did I?

8
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,871
Okay, I bet Jeff
will know.

9
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:40,373
It's not important.
Okay.

10
00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:45,462
Who's that actor
who's in all those movies?

11
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:48,423
Little early
in the morning for this.

12
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,550
No, he was in one
of the Speeds.

13
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,552
Bus or boat?
Bus. But not the main guy.

14
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:55,638
Jeff Daniels.
Yes. Told you he'd know.

15
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,100
Super. Now we can move on
with our lives.

16
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:58,808
What about Jeff Daniels?

17
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:01,811
I just saw a guy
who kind of looked like him.

18
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:04,272
For my time.

19
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,774
Hey, Jeff.

20
00:01:06,774 --> 00:01:08,526
Brad. This is my wife, Audrey.
Hi.

21
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:11,028
These are our friends
Adam and Jennifer.

22
00:01:11,028 --> 00:01:12,322
Hey.
I met Brad at the gym.

23
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:14,407
He had my back in a fight.

24
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:15,367
It wasn't exactly a fight.

25
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,369
We banded together against
a pregnant woman

26
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,329
who wanted
to watch The View.

27
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:19,871
[CHUCKLES]

28
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:23,416
All she got was a view of us
watching sports.

29
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:24,209
We make a good team.

30
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,961
They should make a buddy cop
show about us.

31
00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,213
Yeah, like, uh,
Lethal Weapon.

32
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,173
It's got a black guy
and a white guy.

33
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,842
I'll be the black guy.

34
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:36,346
I never get to be
the black guy.

35
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,097
Oh, you know
who would be good on that show?

36
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:41,518
Who's that short guy?
The one that's funny?

37
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,729
Maybe just look
at a menu for a bit.

38
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,938
Hey,
if you're interested,

39
00:01:45,938 --> 00:01:48,191
some pals and I are getting
together at a sports bar

40
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,067
to watch the game.
You're welcome to join.

41
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:53,530
"Sports" and "bar."
My two favorite words.

42
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:56,116
Where's the word "wife"
on that list?

43
00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:00,328
Right between "refill"
and "bacon."

44
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,205
I'll text you the details.

45
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,792
Nice to have met you.
See you, Jeffrey.

46
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,461
I gotta say,
I'm a little proud of myself.

47
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,086
Before you met me,

48
00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:10,672
you would never have had
a friend like Brad.

49
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,633
What are you talking about?
I got a bunch of black friends.

50
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,553
The Knicks
are not your friends.

51
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:20,056
Not the way
they're playing now.

52
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,309
I meant a gay friend.

53
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:26,438
What? Who's gay?
I mean, gay.

54
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:30,192
I-- I think Brad
might be gay.

55
00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:32,819
Yeah,
I got that vibe too.

56
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:33,736
Why? Was he checking me out?

57
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:36,156
He was checking me out,
wasn't he?

58
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:36,656
No.

59
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,616
No, he was. You probably
didn't notice it.

60
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,243
I get that kind of heat
all the time.

61
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:44,164
Yes, and it's not weird
at all that you're proud of it.

62
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,874
Sorry to disappoint you,
but Brad's not gay.

63
00:02:46,874 --> 00:02:48,293
He just got married.

64
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,377
Really?

65
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:50,253
Yeah. Up in Boston.

66
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:52,589
Oh. Where it's legal
to pronounce a couple

67
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,382
"husband and husband."

68
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,175
Oh, come on.

69
00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:57,344
Well, have you
met his wife?

70
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,512
No, she's out of town.
What's her name?

71
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:02,932
I think Jackie.
Oh, like Jackie Gleason.

72
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,267
Jackie Robinson.
Jackie Chan.

73
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,604
Jackie! That's the short guy
that I was thinking of.

74
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:11,023
Look, Brad's not gay.
I can tell.

75
00:03:11,023 --> 00:03:12,942
How?
Because we showered in a room

76
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:17,780
full of guys
and he didn't...react.

77
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,491
[ADAM LAUGHS]
Oh, you checked?

78
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,410
What? No!
[ALL LAUGH]

79
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,996
Just shut up.

80
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:25,705
[LAUGHS]

81
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:26,456
He did call you "Jeffrey."

82
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,333
The only other person
who calls you that

83
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,667
is the guy
that lives upstairs

84
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,210
who puts a sweater
on his poodle.

85
00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:35,298
And when he left he did say,
"Nice to have met you."

86
00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:36,508
That's kind of gay.

87
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:37,759
How do you figure?

88
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:40,136
It's just so charming.

89
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:41,137
RUSSELL:
Well, well, well.

90
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:44,641
If it isn't the table
where happiness goes to die.

91
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:47,269
This is me new
special friend, Amanda.

92
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:47,935
Hi.Hi.

93
00:03:47,935 --> 00:03:49,186
Why don't you grab
that booth?

94
00:03:49,186 --> 00:03:51,273
I'll be there in two seconds.
Okay.

95
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,774
Nice to meet you.

96
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,985
That's how straight people
say it.

97
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,111
Look at what
she's wearing.

98
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,239
Hopefully she'll be
wearing the same thing

99
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,073
when she stumbles out
of my apartment.

100
00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:02,242
Well, you better set
an alarm.

101
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,494
You wouldn't want her
to miss homeroom.

102
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,330
I mean, what are you
gonna do all day?

103
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:10,250
Lay low,
dodge the Amber Alert?

104
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,126
[ADAM LAUGHING]

105
00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:12,835
Seriously, Russell,

106
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,671
she's young enough
to be your daughter.

107
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,172
Well, that wraps up
this edition of

108
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:20,302
"You think it's a shot,
I take it as a compliment."

109
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,345
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

110
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:26,891
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

111
00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:32,104
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

112
00:04:32,104 --> 00:04:34,774
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

113
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,026
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

114
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:41,448
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

115
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,744
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

116
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,501
Hey.
Hey, buddy.

117
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:54,168
You gonna saddle up?

118
00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,170
Nah. Today I'm gonna do
some weights.

119
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,714
I gotta feed the pythons.

120
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,299
[BRAD CHUCKLES]

121
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,217
Hey.

122
00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:03,094
What do you think of that?

123
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:03,803
Nice.

124
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:04,846
Really? Good to know.

125
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:08,975
You just don't see
spandex like that anymore.

126
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:11,436
Yeah, you don't.

127
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:13,980
That's a lot of weight.

128
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,484
Ah, it's mostly muscle.

129
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:21,070
I meant on the bar.
I'd better spot you.

130
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,823
[SIGHS]

131
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,282
Okay.

132
00:05:25,282 --> 00:05:27,785
All right. One.

133
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:30,079
Two.

134
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:31,456
Three.

135
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,957
[GRUNTS]

136
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,542
I may skip it.

137
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,752
Not feeling it today?

138
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,421
Oh, I felt it a little.

139
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,841
You're feeling it tonight.
Looking forward to the game.

140
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:44,844
Oh, hey, is, uh,
Jackie coming?

141
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,304
No, no, Jackie is not
into sports.

142
00:05:47,304 --> 00:05:49,098
Yeah, neither is my...

143
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:52,727
person I'm in a committed
relationship with.

144
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,729
Your wife?
Yeah.

145
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:59,150
I call her my "person I'm in a
committed relationship with."

146
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,986
It's a pet name.

147
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,071
What do you call yours?

148
00:06:04,071 --> 00:06:05,573
My husband.

149
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,076
And she doesn't mind that?

150
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,245
You know I'm gay, right?

151
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:13,956
Of course.
You're gay as hell.

152
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:14,874
[CHUCKLES]

153
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,418
Good.
Because for a second,

154
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,836
it sounded like you thought
Jackie was a woman.

155
00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:22,549
A woman? No, no, no.
Jackie's a dude. Just like you.

156
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,677
Otherwise it would be
pretty awkward.

157
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:28,012
Well, nothing more awkward
than being gay as hell

158
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:31,265
and finding out the guy
you're married to is straight.

159
00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:31,766
[LAUGHS]

160
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:35,352
Oh, please.
If I had a nickel.

161
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:38,022
Anyway. I'll see you later.

162
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,818
Hey, you still got
the weight.

163
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:44,446
It's mostly muscle.

164
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:47,907
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

165
00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:52,286
Right? So I said
to the limo driver,

166
00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:55,540
"If this thing is a stretch,
I'm Shaquille O'Neal."

167
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,083
[BOTH LAUGHING]

168
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,626
That's funny.
Yeah. It is.

169
00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:02,129
Because I'm clearly not him.
[CHUCKLES]

170
00:07:02,129 --> 00:07:03,881
I like you, Russell.

171
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:05,508
Most guys
wouldn't hang in there

172
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,635
after only getting a peck
on the cheek

173
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:08,427
the first two dates.

174
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:11,639
Well, I think
it's very important

175
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:12,557
to get to know someone, uh,

176
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,518
emotionally
before getting physical.

177
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,268
Physical, of course,

178
00:07:16,268 --> 00:07:19,313
still what
we're working toward.

179
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,525
Well, good things come
to those who wait.

180
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,695
Ah, well, let me take
your order because I'm a waiter.

181
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,029
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

182
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,114
I'll get us some more wine.

183
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,950
Okay, I'll be right here
in the waiting room.

184
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,285
[CHUCKLES]

185
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:40,793
Hey, who's this woman in the,
uh, picture here with you?

186
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,795
Oh, that's my mother.

187
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,050
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

188
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,595
Okay, uh,
remember when Audrey said

189
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,847
Amanda was young enough
to be my daughter?

190
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,348
Yeah.
Yeah. She may be.

191
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:57,393
She may literally
be my daughter.

192
00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,978
How is that possible?

193
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,187
I saw a picture of her mom.

194
00:08:00,187 --> 00:08:02,565
It's some girl I had
a one-nighter with

195
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:03,816
back in college.

196
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:04,984
Oh, my God.

197
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,443
You went to college?

198
00:08:06,443 --> 00:08:09,405
Wait. So you and Amanda
haven't already--

199
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,365
No. No, no, no.

200
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:13,535
So I'm either proud
my little girl's not a slut,

201
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,621
or pissed that the ice queen's
not giving it up.

202
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,205
Did she freak out
when you told her

203
00:08:18,205 --> 00:08:20,542
about you and her mother?
I didn't tell her.

204
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:21,876
Why not?
I don't wanna ruin

205
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,044
any future sex I may be having

206
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,879
with her
if she's not my daughter.

207
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,839
Oh, that is beautiful.

208
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,550
Does she knows
who the father is?

209
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,968
I don't know.
Her mom says her real dad

210
00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,887
is just some scumball that
she hooked up with

211
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,598
and she's embarrassed
she ever slept with him.

212
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,184
So that fits.
Yeah.

213
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,311
I know, right?

214
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,187
This is weird.

215
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:41,896
For you weird, I mean.

216
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,650
Like something that's weird
for regular people,

217
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:46,442
is normal for you.

218
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,903
You know? Like, something
that'd be weird for you

219
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,905
has to be
off-the-charts deranged.

220
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:54,366
Yes, okay, I have a grasp
of the situation. Thank you.

221
00:08:54,366 --> 00:08:56,786
Okay, so you can't
date her anymore.

222
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,663
No, no, no.
Not until I get the, uh,

223
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,373
test results
of the DNA from the lab.

224
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,084
This lab of yours,

225
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,545
I assume you have them
on a monthly rate?

226
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,589
Mm-hm.
You're going CSI?

227
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:08,380
Oh, yeah. Full on.

228
00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,091
I got a hair sample
from her brush,

229
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:13,385
and for comparison,
a semen sample from me.

230
00:09:13,385 --> 00:09:17,181
Also from her brush?

231
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:19,767
No.

232
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,355
Why didn't you just
give them a hair sample too?

233
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,941
Oh, that's real fun.

234
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,113
Hey.
Hey.

235
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,322
How was the gym?

236
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:36,743
Gym was good.

237
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,410
Was, uh, Brad there?

238
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:39,996
Yeah.

239
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,623
So?

240
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:44,083
So...

241
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,960
You were right.
[CHUCKLES]

242
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,671
I told you so, Jeffrey.

243
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:52,091
You don't have
to hold it over my head,

244
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,802
like Brad did this morning.

245
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:57,847
[SIGHS]

246
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,098
I am proud of you.

247
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,017
You made yourself a gay friend.

248
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,060
Well, it would've saved
some confusion

249
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,604
if he was a little more
up front about it.

250
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,106
When you meet people,
do you say, "Hi, I'm Jeff.

251
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,190
I'm straight"?
Oh, please.

252
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,067
When the sun meets people,
does it say

253
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:13,613
"Hi, I'm the sun. I'm hot?"

254
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,865
Hard to argue
with a sentence that begins,

255
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,034
"When the sun meets people."

256
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,620
Okay, I'm gonna order
a large pizza for the game.

257
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,454
What you like
on your slice?

258
00:10:22,454 --> 00:10:24,791
Make it something I like,
just in case.

259
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:28,460
I thought you were watching
the game at the bar with Brad.

260
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:32,089
Ah, I don't feel
like going out.

261
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:36,886
So you're cancelling on Brad
because he's gay?

262
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:37,386
What? No.

263
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:40,682
I don't care what people do
in their own bedrooms.

264
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:42,141
I could do without
their parades

265
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,435
screwing up traffic,
but whatever.

266
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,689
The Irish and Puerto Ricans
do that too.

267
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,983
Why don't you complain
when the Mets have a parade?

268
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,901
Because they won something.

269
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,153
They don't have a parade
just to say:

270
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:58,490
"We're here, we play baseball,
get used to it."

271
00:10:58,490 --> 00:11:00,617
Please tell me
you don't talk like this

272
00:11:00,617 --> 00:11:01,452
outside our apartment.

273
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:05,372
I may. I don't always
listen to myself.

274
00:11:05,372 --> 00:11:06,165
Well you should, Jeff,

275
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,750
because you sound
kind of homophobic.

276
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,836
You were going to watch
the game with Brad,

277
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,379
you found out he was gay,
you cancelled.

278
00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:14,882
Not because he was gay.

279
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:15,883
Then why?

280
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:16,718
We have nothing in common.

281
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,302
You have watching
the game in common.

282
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:20,387
It would be like watching
with someone who speaks

283
00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:23,307
a different language.
If I watched with a French guy,

284
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:24,851
I'd be like, "Great play."

285
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:29,646
And he'd be like, "Ooh-la-la,
Camembert, souffle."

286
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:31,858
Wow.

287
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,150
Tell yourself
anything you want.

288
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,486
You don't wanna hang out
with a gay person.

289
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,863
Or a French person.

290
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,906
Look, it's not like
we're gonna be buddies.

291
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,491
What if we're at the diner
with the guys

292
00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:44,078
complaining about women?
What's poor Brad gonna do?

293
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,622
Why don't you just
not complain about women?

294
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:50,376
It's not really up to me,
is it?

295
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,838
All right.
Yay or nay on this pie?

296
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,257
Unbelievable.
What?

297
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,674
You. You are homophobic.

298
00:11:57,674 --> 00:11:59,051
That is ridiculous.
No, you know

299
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,719
damn well
if Brad were straight,

300
00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:01,804
you would be
at that bar tonight.

301
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,556
And the fact you're not,
that makes you a homophobe.

302
00:12:04,556 --> 00:12:06,725
All right, that's it.
Where are you going?

303
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:09,145
I'm gonna watch the game with
Brad and his gay pals.

304
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,438
You will see
that I am not a homophobe.

305
00:12:11,438 --> 00:12:14,650
I am a homofriend.

306
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:17,153
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

307
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:22,784
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

308
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,621
This place is sweet.
Thanks for inviting me.

309
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,292
Well, didn't want you to waste
that heat-seeking shirt.

310
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,085
Oh, thanks.
You know, I just got this.

311
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,296
It's actually
a cotton poly-blend--

312
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,381
Shut up.

313
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,216
Hey, guys.

314
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,010
Hey.

315
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:41,928
Glad you came along.

316
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,137
Nice shirt.
Thanks, man.

317
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:46,598
Little hot in here,
isn't it?

318
00:12:46,598 --> 00:12:47,599
Game started yet?

319
00:12:47,599 --> 00:12:49,101
No, Fergie just finished

320
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,020
dry-humping
the national anthem.

321
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,898
Oh, say can you see
the Botox?

322
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,191
[LAUGHING]

323
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,151
[FORCED LAUGH]

324
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,194
Fergie.

325
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:02,156
Oh, uh, William, Roger,
Adam, Jeffrey.

326
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:04,158
Jeff. Just Jeff.
No Frey.

327
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,243
Jeff and I belong
to the same club.

328
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,370
Health club.
You know, a gym.

329
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,081
My wife's a member too.

330
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,458
My wife Audrey, woman.

331
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,253
Jeff is straight, in case anyone
missed that sledgehammer.

332
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,965
Uh, I'll go
get us some drinks.

333
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:19,715
I'll go with you.

334
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:23,010
Hold on a second.
I wanna ask you something.

335
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,722
Come here.

336
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:27,598
Come here.

337
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,809
What do you think
about Adam and Roger?

338
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,980
Uh, no, no, no.
Adam's not gay.

339
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,819
Are you sure?

340
00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:46,450
No, I'm not.

341
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:47,869
I just
can't tell anymore.

342
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:50,371
And that haircut
doesn't exactly scream,

343
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:51,580
"I like girls."

344
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,415
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

345
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,959
All right,
beers for you guys,

346
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:58,004
and I decided to try
a sea breeze.

347
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:01,215
Does that drink comes
with a blouse?

348
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:03,384
Of course not,
and why would it?

349
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:06,178
In fact, let me try.

350
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:08,639
Wow, that is refreshing.

351
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,182
Brad, would you like
to try that?

352
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,518
Really? I get to be
the third mouth on that straw?

353
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,853
Maybe that busboy
with the cold sore

354
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:16,522
should get in there first.

355
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,856
Whoa, check out that play.

356
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:19,816
Oh. I got that guy
on my fantasy team.

357
00:14:19,816 --> 00:14:21,903
You know, Jeff plays
fantasy baseball.

358
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,405
Oh yeah?
Who's on your team?

359
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,115
Oh, well,
I just got A-Rod.

360
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:29,410
I didn't just get a rod.

361
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:31,787
I just picked up
Alex Rodriguez.

362
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:35,082
I didn't pick him up,
I traded for him.

363
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,793
So to sum it up,
you have Alex Rodriguez,

364
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,254
and you don't have
an erection.

365
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:44,175
My current status.

366
00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:47,261
Oh, jeez, too much head.

367
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,055
God. Excuse me.

368
00:14:51,848 --> 00:14:54,685
What was that? Did you have
a stroke or something?

369
00:14:54,685 --> 00:15:00,066
Why A-Rod? Why couldn't
I've said, Albert Pujols?

370
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,358
Pujols.

371
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:02,609
That's worse than A-Rod.

372
00:15:02,609 --> 00:15:04,153
You're freaking
yourself out.

373
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,571
I don't know
what's happening.

374
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,115
In my ears everything I say
sounds wrong.

375
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,491
In everyone
else's ears too.

376
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:12,328
Maybe Audrey was right. I am
uncomfortable around gay people.

377
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,247
Mm. Doesn't seem
like a picnic for them either.

378
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,999
I gotta get out of here
before I say

379
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:19,751
something really stupid.
Well, you better leave

380
00:15:19,751 --> 00:15:21,420
10 minutes ago.

381
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:22,213
Are you coming?

382
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:25,466
Hell, no. I still got
half a breeze left.

383
00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:28,802
BRAD:
Jeffrey.

384
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,221
Where you going?

385
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,347
You know what?

386
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,600
Audrey just called
and she wants me home.

387
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,185
I am so disappointed.

388
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,937
I didn't think you were
that kind of guy.

389
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:41,648
I'm sorry. But my father
was very old-fashioned--

390
00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:44,110
Dude, you are so whipped.
What?

391
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,653
Well, your wife calls,
and you come running home.

392
00:15:46,653 --> 00:15:48,948
I told Jackie
I was working late tonight.

393
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,451
Right, I am
that kind of guy.

394
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,620
Uh...

395
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,080
You lied to Jackie?

396
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,707
Well, his parents are in town,
I needed a break.

397
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,877
No, no. I get it.
By the way, I am not whipped.

398
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,546
I lie to Audrey
all the time.

399
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,382
Yeah? Well,
what are you using now,

400
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,425
because Jackie
is starting to catch on

401
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:09,301
to the working late thing.

402
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,013
I've had some success
with broken down subway.

403
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:14,598
And, uh, stuck in elevator

404
00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:15,724
and fight with hot dog vendor.

405
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:19,061
That one's often
not a lie.

406
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,813
Okay, but how do you
keep track of all of them?

407
00:16:21,813 --> 00:16:23,107
I keep a chart in my wallet.

408
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,733
I would very much like
to see that.

409
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,943
Buy me a beer
and I'll show it to you.

410
00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:30,072
After the beer do I still
get to see the chart?

411
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,490
[LAUGHS]

412
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,076
That's some good
gay humor there.

413
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,244
All right.

414
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,621
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

415
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,582
Yes, I know
I've called twice,

416
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:44,170
but I'm kind of anxious
for the results.

417
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,213
Fine, but if this were
in Las Vegas

418
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:49,716
Grissom would've cracked
this case hours ago.

419
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,928
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

420
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,517
Oh, hey, Amanda.
What are you doing here?

421
00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,851
Well, like I said,

422
00:16:59,851 --> 00:17:02,438
good things come
to those who wait.

423
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,690
And you've waited, so...

424
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,067
Oh, holy moley.

425
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:09,153
It's time
for your good thing.

426
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:09,986
Okay, come to Daddy.

427
00:17:09,986 --> 00:17:13,032
Oh, wait. That's right,
that's right, that's right.

428
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:13,782
What's the matter?

429
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,952
I don't know. Maybe nothing.
I'm not sure yet.

430
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:18,454
You seem confused.

431
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,582
No, it's just right now
my brain is making decisions

432
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,125
that are usually made
elsewhere.

433
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:26,253
Maybe this will
help clear things up.

434
00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:28,004
Cover yourself up, young lady!

435
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:28,880
Who was that?

436
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,674
Is this
a role-playing thing?

437
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,426
If it were up to me,
of course it would be.

438
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,720
But it's just
not a good time. Sorry.

439
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,681
Come on. I'm here,
barely wearing anything,

440
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,975
wanting you.
No, not there.

441
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,435
Okay. Heh-heh.

442
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:44,563
Uh, you know my house,
my rules, so...

443
00:17:45,772 --> 00:17:47,316
Russell, are you not
attracted to me?

444
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:51,653
No, of course I am.
I mean I-I should be, probably.

445
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,739
You know, depending
on how it turns up.

446
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,575
Um, I think I'm gonna
have to call it a night.

447
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,495
So I'll have
to ask you to leave.

448
00:17:59,495 --> 00:17:59,995
But why?

449
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:02,414
Because I said so, missy.
That's why.

450
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,375
Now scoot.

451
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:10,381
[WHISPERING]
I'm sorry.

452
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:16,178
Ah. Guess I'll go prepare
another sample for the lab.

453
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,805
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

454
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:24,478
Yes, it does back up traffic,
as do all parades.

455
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,481
But I wouldn't know
who to talk to about that.

456
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,816
So I have
another question.

457
00:18:29,816 --> 00:18:32,486
All right, but not another one
about Anderson Cooper.

458
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,197
With two guys,
you guys must be pretty much

459
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,323
doing it all the time, right?

460
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:39,868
With no woman there
to say no.

461
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,620
It's still a marriage.

462
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,456
There's always someone there
to say no.

463
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,833
Huh. So when
you're done with sex,

464
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:47,918
does one of you
wanna cuddle

465
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,879
and the other one wants
to watch SportCenter?

466
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,798
JEFF:
Yeah, does, like,

467
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:56,135
Jackie gets upset when you
leave the toilet seat up?

468
00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:00,013
Why don't you write all these
down and I'll get back to you?

469
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,056
Oh, excuse me,

470
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,809
can I get a vanilla sundae,
no nuts, please? Thank you.

471
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,770
Wow. No nuts is right,
Sea Breeze.

472
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:09,981
Yeah, try not to spill
any on your panties.

473
00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:11,567
Hey, I switched back
to beer.

474
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,153
Yeah, after
the white wine spritzer.

475
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:14,986
Roger bought that for me.

476
00:19:14,986 --> 00:19:17,989
It would have been rude
not to drink it.

477
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:21,660
Hey, I got the results
of the DNA test.

478
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,745
Russell, this is Brad,
he's gay.

479
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:25,747
Brad, this is Russell,
he almost slept

480
00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:27,916
with his own daughter.

481
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,878
And I made you
uncomfortable?

482
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,299
Well? Is she your daughter?

483
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:38,719
I don't know.
I haven't opened it.

484
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:39,761
And I'm not going to.

485
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,222
Why not?
RUSSELL: Well,

486
00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:42,598
I don't wanna know
either way.

487
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,015
I mean,
if it is my daughter,

488
00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:45,851
clearly the mom
doesn't want me in her life,

489
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,894
and I have to respect that.
And if she isn't,

490
00:19:47,894 --> 00:19:50,356
I'd just be disappointed.
Thought of having a child

491
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:51,607
might give some meaning
to my life,

492
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,568
or a sense of purpose--
She's not your daughter.

493
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,820
Gotta go.

494
00:19:56,820 --> 00:20:00,324
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

495
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,329
So anyway, now that
we're getting married,

496
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,748
I've decided to try
and stop getting heat

497
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:08,999
from other people.

498
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,417
Oh. Thanks, sweetie.

499
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:13,670
I only hope I can give you
all the heat you deserve.

500
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,965
I know
you'll try your best.

501
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,635
Here you go, sweetie.

502
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:26,517
I-I can't turn it off.

503
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:27,309
Hey.
Hey.

504
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:30,479
Guess where my evolved,
open-minded husband just was?

505
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,898
Playing basketball
with his new gay friend.

506
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:33,940
Wow. Is he any good?

507
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:37,444
Surprisingly,
not a great ball-handler.

508
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,364
Okay. Jeff, no more gay jokes.
JEFF: Okay.

509
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,115
What are you drinking?

510
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:42,824
Mm.

511
00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:44,660
It's a virgin sea breeze.

512
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,787
Go ahead.

513
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:47,913
[SIGHS]

514
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:51,958
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]